Monday, April 10, 2017

Singing While My Soul Cries

I read my Bible every morning, this morning was no different. I clicked on the Bible app, read through the verses in my devotional and proceeded with my morning. As I was walking around the kitchen, making coffee and packing lunches, I was also thinking about everything I needed to do and all of the things going on this month. I was flooded with thoughts from Autism Awareness, to Easter, to writing.

My mind stopped briefly to rest on the fact that April is a month of Autism Awareness, so naturally, I thought about my son and the fact he is almost 18 years old.

I thought about how Autism is a part of every member of our family; it's woven into our lives, it has a prominent role in our story and we all have a story to tell.

Telling our story has been on my mind a lot lately, there is always great debate over sharing about our children and what we should and shouldn't say. Many argue we have no right to tell our children's story because it's not our story to tell. The thing is, our stories are connected, our lives intersect, overlap and intermingle with the lives of others.

That's a completely incredible thing, we experience life uniquely and individually... together.

So our stories, are not just our stories. They belong to those around us, to our brothers and sisters, to our mothers and fathers, to our friends and our neighbors.

It's hard to tell our stories without telling someone else's also, that's a beautiful thing.

It's community.

It's life.

I think what we have to be vigilant in is why we tell our story.

Moving past Autism and the telling of stories, I sat out medicine and found shoes and socks, all in preparation for sending everyone off to school.

My mind landed on these words:

My heart sings, while my soul cries.

This is where I found myself, the thought that my mind settled on. It's very much who we are, who I am. I thought about this as I put socks on the feet of my seventeen-year-old son and bent down to slip on his tennis shoes. He has come so far, but the journey is not over, in fact, it's quite possible that some of the hardest days, for us and for our son, have yet to be lived. I try desperately not to dwell on that notion.

Almost immediately I remember a verse I read just a little while earlier.

"But this has all taken place that the writings of the prophets might be fulfilled." Then all the disciples deserted him and fled. Matthew 26:56 NIV

Sometimes, I flee.

I forget to trust God and His promises sometimes, a God who cares enough to send His own Son to save me, a God who carefully and thoughtfully designed the details of that salvation to serve as an everlasting reminder that the promises he gave us will be fulfilled.

I have read that last line before, probably many times, but maybe I had just never really noticed it. I don't know that I have ever really focused on that part of the story, on the idea that as Jesus was willingly taking his place in the events that were unfolding before them, as He was being handed over to ultimately die. His most faithful and faith-filled, fled.

He knew they would leave.

He also knew they would return.

Because, He had given them what they needed, to come back and do what they dropped their nets, left their families and homes, to do.

I further reflected on the first part of the verse..."this has all taken place that the fulfilled", God is in the details. He has taken great care to show and remind us that what is written is true, and what has been promised will be fulfilled.

April doesn't just hold the focus of Autism Awareness it also holds the celebration of Easter of the gift and sacrifice that is our salvation. The death and birth of Hope. Our souls cry and our hearts sing. We see that we are prone to weakness, even though our faith may be great. We are not the first to flee when we are scared or unsure, and like the ones chosen in the Bible we return, because we know. We have a hope born in the Truth of what is written and because of that, we know that our children are held fast in the hands of a God that does not flee.

So today I pray for you and for me...

Dear Heavenly Father, I come before you with a heart that is prone to flee, and God you know that. I am so grateful that you care about every detail of our lives so much that you have woven reminders of Your strength and faithfulness into Your word. You have given us everlasting reminders that you keep every promise and fulfill every written word. You will never leave us alone. It's because we know this, that we can have comfort and hope when we look at our children and wonder what the future holds for them. In the name of Jesus, we pray.



  1. Thank you for this thoughtful and honest post. Praying that your family be strengthened in every way as we ponder Christ's Passion and celebrate the hope that is our in His Resurrection.

  2. This post fully encapsulates my journey, at this point, regarding my caregiving. My responsibilities are enormous as I am caregiving for my partially disabled spouse who was recently diagnosed with dementia and medically fragile and medically complex daughter who has a rare chromosomal abnormality. Thank you for letting me know I am not the only one who feels this way at times. Thank you for reminding me of the promises and faithfulness of our God. Blessings all around for you and your family.

  3. Thank you Denie. It does help to know we are not alone. I am praying for you and your family.