Tuesday, May 12, 2015

After Mother's Day

A Mother's Day gift a few years before David passed away.

“Suddenly, Jesus’ words flashed through Peter’s mind: ‘Before the rooster crows, you will deny three times that you even know me.’  And he went away, weeping bitterly.”  Matthew 26:75  (NLT)

Sometimes it’s hard to see that your child loves you.  This can be especially true when they are a special needs child with some sort of cognitive dysfunction or if they have a mental health diagnosis. 

You may remember a time when your child threw a tantrum or worse yet tried to injure you. 

Maybe they had a psychotic break and were going to hurt themselves because they didn’t get what their mind was saying they should get. 

Or maybe they were running around the house damaging property all the while screaming at the top of their lungs that you are the worst parent ever.

I remember a time when David was already an adult and had one of those very bad days.  It was a day where we (his parents) were told that we were “the Devil” and some other things.  He then proceeded to storm out of the house and disappear into the night. 

What should we do?  Run after him?  No, that would have made matters worse.  We contemplated what to do.  When he walked back in he had deep scratches on his face that were self-inflicted.  Now what were we to do?  Earlier he had been yelling at us and now he was apologizing and remorseful. 

This was the standard mode for him when his borderline personality disorder got in the way of the rest of his emotions.  If I were to look at David with a “normal” lens I would take those words very differently, but because I viewed them through the borderline lens I was usually able to detach my emotions from those hurtful statements when they came. 

Even though David did things that made it seem like he didn’t love me, I never doubted his love for his mommy.

This got me thinking about God’s graciousness in my life. 

How many times have I yelled at God or didn’t like what God had to say, so I would do the wrong thing only to see the remnants of self-inflicted wounds afterwards? 

How often do I run away from God only to run back after I figure out that my way was not so good?  Like Peter in the verse above, I feel terrible.  But I am assured even then that my God loves me. 

And yet God is always there for me when I return even more so than any parent could be.  He chases me if I need chasing and lets me wonder if that’s what I need.  To top it off, He knows I love Him, even when I am running away.   I am so grateful for my loving, forgiving, patient gracious God that knows I love Him even when I am not showing it very well. 

Pray:  Lord, help me to show you my love more and more, and give into my sinful nature less and less.  Thank you for always loving me even when I am most unlovable. 

Ann Gapinski

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