Monday, January 5, 2015

BLESSED BY GRIEF


David being silly.  This was a common occurrence. 
“God blesses those people who grieve.  They will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4 (CEV)
Tomorrow marks the four year anniversary.  It was just like any other day when I got up.  Little did I know that my day and many more to come would never be the same.  It’s not like I was expecting it to happen that day.  The timing was shocking, but unfortunately the call I got was not.  I came to expect David’s calls of crisis on almost a daily basis.  I expected to be taking him to the ER every few weeks or at least being there for one of his severe panic attacks to support him emotionally.  I came to expect him to be delusional, isolate himself, or go the other extreme and almost emotionally suffocate us at any moment.  I came to expect him to talk to me in the third person.  I came to expect all of the nasty things that an anxiety disorder, borderline personality disorder, and self-medication do to a person.  So when his friend, Nate, called me instead of David, I knew something was up. 
This was the call no mother wants.  It was also the call that let me know the suffering was over.  With that one pill it had all ended. 
In the weeks to come the silent phone was almost unbearable even though many of those old calls were crisis related.  I wondered if I would ever get to the point of having a day go by when I didn’t think about some aspect of David and his life.  I didn’t want that to happen. 
Now that it’s been 4 years I can say that some of the junk related to his illness is long gone or faded and the good memories are still there.  I think about David daily and talk about him often relaying the great things about him and his faith.  I write and talk about some of the bad stuff that manifested itself through his illness as it has and continues to teach me much about life and God.
People ask me how I’m doing and mostly I can honestly say, I am doing well.  I am blessed in so many ways.  And so his memory is ever in the forefront of my mind and he is still teaching me much about God even more so now that he is walking the streets of glory.  I miss him immensely and that will never change, but God is more than able to help me in my grief with immeasurable blessings along the way.
Prayer:  Lord, Thank you for your many blessings and for comforting us in our grief in ways that only you can.  Help us to be a comfort to others as they grieve not only the loss of loved ones, but the loss of many of their hopes and dreams.  Amen
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