Wednesday, December 17, 2014

I Forgive Me

"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future."
- Proverbs 31:25 NLT -

I might be biased, but I believe that very little reveals a person's true character more than parenting a child with disabilities.

I never even realized that certain levels of frustration existed before I became a parent. And, even more so, I had no idea it was physically possible to love another human being as much as I love each of my sons. With four of them, I can honestly say that I never dreamed I would be this surrounded by the opposite sex. (It's a lot different than I imagined...)

But the biggest revelation that I have recently uncovered is one that is transforming how I define this role more than anything else.

The truth is, I have no idea how to forgive myself for my own disabilities as a mother.

Almost daily, I fail at offering my sons the patience they deserve for the actions they have limited control over. More often than I care to admit, I become consumed with resolving issues rather than just accepting and embracing. Some weeks, I battle and advocate for my sons more than I play with and listen to them. I get caught up in educating others around me about my children more than I actually educate my children about themselves. I start to believe that I am only worth what the world sees of my parenting abilities. The disabilities of imperfection are paralyzing.

But just when all seems darkest, God nudges me to consider: what if my role as a mother were saved, rather than savior? What if I truly believed that God held me to a standard of grace, not perfection? How would I change as a parent if I could forgive myself for not being the mother I thought I would be when it was just me and my paper dolls at age 6?

Maybe I could finally stop worrying about what others think long enough to realize that God is the one that gave me my sons; he believes that I am the right mother for these boys. Maybe instead of trying to solve it all myself, I could pray with my husband and with my sons, for wisdom and discernment in all our struggles. Maybe I could finally stop the ridiculously long guilt-trip I have been letting the devil take me on.

Maybe I could start to see myself as the Mom that God sees when he looks at me.

Pray: Dear Lord, forgive me for doubting your grace. Mend my broken heart and let me redefine myself in you. Let me see myself through your eyes, covered in your Son's gift of righteousness. Be my thoughts, my words, my actions and my guidance as I mold my sons after yours. Amen.

- Emily Krill


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