Monday, October 6, 2014

My Brother’s Death Part 1~ Guest blog by Amanda Combs

I prayed for him to be healed.
“The Lord will work out his plans for my life— for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever. Don’t abandon me, for you made me.”  Psalm 138:8 NLT

Dealing with my brother’s death was different for my family.  What I mean by that is, we all expected David to pass away before the age of 30 because of the choices he made daily.  Not that his death didn’t shake us or even shock us, but the timing surely surprised us since two days earlier he had just graduated from an intensive 90 day treatment program.

I clearly remember my reaction to my Mom on the phone when she told me that David had overdosed.  He had done that many times before and often wound up at the hospital.  I asked her which hospital he was at so I could go visit him after work.  I was indeed shocked when she said that he had died this time.

My family and I started funeral preparations and I decided to have someone say a few words on my behalf at the service.  While getting my thoughts written out for my Aunt to read, I found myself becoming very angry at God and feeling very defeated.  Remembering and reliving times I shared with David, I began thinking, “Why didn’t God heal him?” and “Why didn’t God save him?” and “Why did I even pray for David’s addictions if God wasn’t going to do anything about them?” 

So, at first, I just stopped praying.  I stopped praying for outcomes to situations and for healing because I felt those prayers didn’t matter anyways.  I wasn’t running to God.  I was giving up.  My mind was struggling with seemingly conflicting concepts of God’s will and my requests.  I became bitter when others offered prayers of healing from addictions and even got angry when others were healed of those addictions. 

Even after I got over that temper-tantrum stage of grief, I still didn’t pray the same way.  I was back-tracking.  If I prayed for healing, I would add on “But only if it is in your will”.  I was praying with my mouth but my heart was expecting the opposite of a healing.  I was also still jealous of others being healed.

I was seeing God almost as a bully, forcing His Will onto me, but it wasn’t His will that He wanted me to understand.  Looking back, I can see that God was doing a number on my heart.  He had so much more to teach me than the concept of my will vs. His.

Stay tuned tomorrow to see what God was teaching me.

Pray:  Lord, Help us as we go through the anger stage of our grief.  Be gentle with us as we have so many “Why” questions when the healing that we are praying for doesn’t appear to come.  Lastly, help us to draw closer to You.

Amanda Combs

(David suffered with mental illness and addictions until they took his life.)

Amanda is the oldest daughter of Ann Gapinski.
To see Ann's other posts click on her name under the labels section.

October 5 - 11, 2014 is Mental Illness Awareness Week, and World Mental Health Day is on October 10, 2014.  Join us for a week of online resources and prayer support at our Facebook Event.

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  1. Can't wait for the continuation of this. And sorry for your loss. :(

  2. Thank you for your sympathy. You won't be disappointed with tomorrows post.