Friday, May 17, 2013

No Greater Love

The greatest love you can show is to give your life for your friends. ~ John 15:13, NOG ~

"I'm SO.DANG.TIRED" reads my Facebook status yet again.  My child with ASD is being revisited by troubles with self-regulation, keeping her from falling to sleep on her own at a reasonable hour, while her brother's anxiety has him burning the late night oil, worrying about getting caught up on homework he's missed because of another bleed-caused absence from school.  When it's not staying up too late with an insomniac, it might be being awoken in frantic crisis over a middle-of-the-night bleeding episode.  

The energy-sucking does not only come from sleep deprivation.  The 2+ hour doctor's appointments we are subjected to at least 3 times per year are enough to make the brain go numb and to require a full day's recovery to process all the information shared.  Dinner?  Want some McFood or a frozen pizza?  I'm going to bed!  IEP and 504 meetings don't do much for me either.  Multiply that by 2 children with different diagnoses, making sure the school actually honors what is in writing, and I have little energy left.  If we have a year where one of my 2 specials requires a hospital stay of some sort, you can plan on me needing the remainder of the month to even start crawling out of the mental/emotional pit.

Bottom line, I am worn.  I am tired.  I have little left financially or emotionally for the types of activities "normal" people enjoy -- going to movies, enjoying festivals, dining out.  But I am glad to lay my life down for the sake of my kids.  Okay, sometimes I am resentful, but most of the time I am glad to lay my life down for my kids.  I would jump in front of a runaway locomotive for them any day of the week just to save them.  

Not only do I know my children, but I like them.  I watch in wonder as God gives me a front row seat to watching them grow.  Amidst all of their struggles, I see their incredible qualities, hidden from the irritated school administrator or grocery store line critic.  I ponder who the Lord will grow them to be when they are adults.  There is so much potential, undeveloped leadership and pliability there!  

As I watch my kids with delight and know that they are being grown into remarkable people by their Maker, my heart breaks watching how they struggle.  Tears of bitterness fall as I wish they could be exempt from the trials they face.  "If only they could breeze through life like their peers do," I agonize.  But then, without the difficult parts, my kids wouldn't fully possess all of their amazing parts.

Perhaps that is the fuel that continues to feed my love for my children.  Watching how the Lord shapes each one as a unique and intriguing individual helps me to see that their trials are part of their formative process.  He is preparing them to be lights in a dark, dark world.  And I get the high privilege of being their mother.

I have to reschedule my hair appointment today?  Alright.  I can live with my gray showing and a misshapen head.  I just got called out of my Bible study again?  Well, I guess I get to practice what I'm learning from God sooner rather than later this week.  I scrape together the piggy bank to pay for gas in my car again this week?  Our humbling finances are not too high a price to pay for the gift of one another's lives.

I  may not be the craftiest, most creative mom who takes her children to enjoy all sort of experiences, but I can rest secure knowing that how I love my children follows in the footsteps of the Savior.  I give my life for them.  That is a pursuit that I think any mother of a child with special needs can feel deeply satisfied with.

PRAY:  Jesus, thank you for teaching me how to love.

1 comment:

  1. I love this- "without the difficult parts- they wouldn't have the amazing parts"! The tight rope we moms walk on- trying to sort through all the positives and negatives. Hugs and praying for God to renew your strength- hour by hour! <3