Wednesday, November 28, 2012

A Special Kind of Mother Love

"As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you..." ~ Isaiah 66:13

Lord, you have blessed me with 3 beautiful children.  I think back to the days where it seems every waking minute belonged to them.  Now they are growing at an alarming rate, all in double-digit to teen ages, and I wonder what kind of mother I have been to them.  I struggle with feeling inadequate most days.  

Do they know how very much I love them?  Yes, most mothers love their children, but this is different.  This kind of love comes from the depths of walking through the journey of special needs with a family.  It comes from the common experience of living through things that you never would have chosen for yourselves.

Does my eldest know how proud I am of her?  Does she know that I have time and attention for her?  Does she know that she is just as important as my other kids with special needs?  What a remarkable young lady You are growing her into, Lord!  Because of the adversity she has had to witness in our family, she has become a tremendously self-motivated student.  She is a compassionate young lady with a heart for those who are facing difficulties.  Poised and confident, she has no trouble scolding her friends for using the "R" word or standing up for what she believes in, even when it seems to earn her the mistreatment of others.  Father, this is all by Your hand on her life.  Thank You for allowing me to be a witness to what you are doing in her.

God, does my son know how heartbroken I am that I passed on this wicked genetic disorder to him?  Even though I know that it is the devil himself who tries to falsely accuse me of being at blame for my son's hemophilia, I can't help but feel sad that this is something I passed on to him.  Oh, Lord, how I wish I could take his place!  What I wouldn't give for it to be me that has been jabbed with IV needles over 2,000 times in 12 years.  The pain of bleeding episodes in joints and internal organs -- I never thought it could be this bad.  And now as he gets older, he bears such sadness in feeling different from his peers, wanting so much to awake and find this was all a bad dream.  Even so, Father, I want him to know that You are right there beside him, walking him through this journey.  You give his suffering meaning.  I know You have a plan for him.  This anguish will be his platform to carry Your light to the dark world around him.  Is my love enough to write these things on his heart, Lord?

My youngest pulls my heartstrings in different ways.  Father, doesn't she know she has our love without trying?  I feel like I have failed her when she doesn't sense that love.  She has endured so much and yet, come so far.  When she was little, she just appeared to be a mischievous sprite.  I still remember how sad and defeated I felt each time she received another new diagnosis.  While I felt vindicated in many ways, the false accusations by others regarding my parenting skills has never waned.  I have always known that there is a very smart little girl inside that socially awkward shell.  The way she makes me laugh every day is a gift I can never repay.  At the same time, her challenges will wear down my last raw nerve.  I never imagined it could be this hard.  Still, nothing will awaken the mama bear in me like the trials she is facing in middle school with bullying now.  I pray she senses the safety and acceptance of home when she returns at the end of each day.

Oh, God, our schedule is so disjointed because of medical emergencies; our finances are so low because of never-ending medical costs; our family life is so... unusual... in so many ways.  I am not enough for these precious kids, but You are!  Where I fall short, Your mercy covers my shortcomings.  And I pray that my love coupled together with Your infinite sufficiency fills my babies up and strengthens them for the life You have chosen for them.  Thank You, Lord.

1 comment:

  1. Barb,
    THank you for this. You say it so well and I can relate to all of it. I, too, wonder if I have done enough, with the right heart, conviction, time, patience all of it?
    Thanks for the reassurance that the Lord is guiding me and I hope I'm listening